When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
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I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.