When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.