Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.