When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Facebook memories be like
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly