When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie