When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.