When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.