Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

CUTE CAT‼︎

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

look scared

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.