When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I hope Alan is OK
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
