When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
