When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.