When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.