Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

The funk soul brother

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.