When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back