When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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