When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
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I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Hmmmmm
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.