When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I falcon love using swear birds
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?