When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Today’s tshirt
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.