When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Canadian owl: Eh?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.