When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you