When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.