When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Sending in my taxes
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Teach your children to beatbox
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
this is so top tier i cant
