When you have to use a public restroom.
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I have taken up painting
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom