When you have to use a public restroom.
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boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.