When you have to use a public restroom.
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )