Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!