Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.