Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.