Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”