When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
