When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’m sure it’s fine.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
