When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
my dad has had enough
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
