>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
What about second breakfast?
