Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Netflix and awkward silence?

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”