Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

May your day taste like creamy soup.

A small tragedy.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.