When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?