Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

then why did i get this email

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

there’s probably a fee though

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.