When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
tfw you realize …
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Happy Star Wars day!
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.