When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
one of
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying