when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I really had high hopes for this year though
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
having children is a pyramid scheme.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.