when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Wise advice
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The chart results are in…
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
my dog when i have a friend over
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that