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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
We’ve all been there…
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist