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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
British websites use biscuits.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*