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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda