When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
You Might Also Like
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
me when I see my crush
that wasn’t the question
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Meow?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”