When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.