When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
what’s in a name?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.