when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
You Might Also Like
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.