When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
i did the math
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
congratulations to them
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.