When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?