Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Always…
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen