@Parker_Simpson

When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder

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@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

@Home_Halfway

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

@Book_Krazy

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

@JohnLyonTweets

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

@Bearslietoo

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

@daemonic3

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?