When you let grandma cat sit
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My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I think about this a lot
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.