Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

? 💀

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.