when you let your kid brother name your custom player
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days