when you let your kid brother name your custom player
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.