when you let your kid brother name your custom player
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If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.