When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday