When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
giddy up Office Depot
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Yes, but it was never about money
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I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.