When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*