When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research