Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

I need better friends

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.