when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?