when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
fixed it
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.