When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
the three branches of government
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series