When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?