Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

A bold strategy

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise