When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
You Might Also Like
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.