Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel