When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
You Might Also Like
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.