When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
