When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
You Might Also Like
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Breaking news:
i want it utterly assaulted.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk