When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
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I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me too 😆
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
