When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol