When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
TODAY
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that