When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Do not levitate over flowers
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it