When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda