@Social_Mime

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

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@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@TheMichaelRock

Me: The bathroom

Wife: What?

Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

@Chhapiness

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

@realHamOnWry

*unexpected snow fall*

Americans: “It’s the end. The apocalypse is here!”

Canadians: “Huh…I might need a jacket”

@aissalanis

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

@InternetHippo

I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang