I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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