Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Anime is real

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g