Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.